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©TuesdayMayThomas
From an early age I was taught to fear intimacy with men. At least, that's how I translated the words of my grandmother. From the age of five she would tell me "Anytime a man looks you in the eye, he wants to have sex with you.." I was too young to know what sex was at the time, but by the way my grandmother affirmed this statement to me time and time again, it seemed that men and sex were something to fear. I learned to not attract the attention of men in any way shape or form, for fear of an inappropriate transference of energy.
From an early age I was taught to fear intimacy with men. At least, that's how I translated the words of my grandmother. From the age of five she would tell me "Anytime a man looks you in the eye, he wants to have sex with you.." I was too young to know what sex was at the time, but by the way my grandmother affirmed this statement to me time and time again, it seemed that men and sex were something to fear. I learned to not attract the attention of men in any way shape or form, for fear of an inappropriate transference of energy.
Granted, yes it's true- at five years old I should not engage with strangers or strange men attempting to hold my gaze. This truth aside, there was something about what she used to tell me- that got under my skin as a kid..., into my mental projections as I grew up, and fueled my emotional triggers as an adult. I know my grandmother was only doing what she felt was right for my well being at the time... But this one belief pattern informed my life for over forty years. It filtered the way I perceived myself as a woman in the world, which was to shrink my energy rather than expand it. I spent years agonizing over trying to understand the complexity of the male/female dilemma in the world.
Throughout life, a personal fear of men and sex caused me to squelch any feminine attributes I had, and filter them through a masculine pretense. Deep down I feared drawing too much attention from men by being beautiful or attractive, or too feminine in any way. I feared men would be seeking to have sex with me like my grandmother said and that was bad- right?
Though my mother is a strong and beautiful woman, we spent very little time together in my youth and without my biological father around, I was left on my own to figure things out. It was complicated because I was told not to seek attention from men by my grandmother, yet I sought it desperately as a means to be validated by my 'missing' father. When ever I did receive sexual attention from men, I felt terribly ashamed for receiving it. My lines of understanding were all criss-crossed. I am just beginning to tread a new world of trust and expression as a Divine Feminine being upon this planet. And it's about time!
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Six months ago while journaling, I wrote... "I will be turning forty-two and can count on one hand, how many times I have truly felt feminine in my whole life. I have spent years being afraid to be a beautiful woman in the world. I long to explore what it means to be feminine and how it feels to honor the beauty that resides within myself." -
I knew I was ready to start re-defining who I was as a woman. I was ready to release the old belief patterns placed into me by my past and launch a part of myself that had for my entire life, been missing. I lay in the bathtub with a candle and my crystals. An urge to 'call in' my female-power came over me. I found myself praying to be lifted into the arms of a universal wisdom that could safely reveal it's secrets through the Divine Feminine. I prayed to understand myself as a woman in this world. I prayed to download the strength I needed to trust that it was okay to be beautiful and powerful without needing to use my female energy to manipulate or seduce. I prayed for grace and innocence, humility, wisdom and healing. "Divine Feminine, come unto me- for the highest good... I call upon you now. I am ready to embody your wisdom, grace and beauty."
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I have a face to face with Sophia Loren. She tells me:
It is okay to relax into your femininity. Raise your head up high and own your womanhood.
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Soon after my bathing/prayer ceremony I decide to practice bellydancing in the same room as my fiance. This would be a challenge for me as I had not danced in front of him in this way before. At first I fumbled and felt so awkward. I had to battle feeling stupid and foolish. Even though he was on his computer, I knew he was watching me. I decided this was the perfect gateway to embracing my femininity and allowing the Divine Feminine to move through me. After all, I'm in the presence of a man with whom I feel completely safe. And I'm in my own home too. What could go wrong? After forty minutes of practicing some moves- I made a HUGE breakthrough... Bravo!!! I actually felt safe inhabiting the feminine force for the first time in my life. I had a breakthrough and it was fucking amazing.
But the next day, my body told a different story. I went to get up out of bed and my hip was killing me. "What the...?" Had I opened up a part of myself so deeply that it caused my physical body to require some sort of a re-boot? There was no pain when I was bellydancing last night, how could this be? Ughhhh. When I meditated upon it, the message I got was: The strain in my hip is due to the opening up of an area where 'trusting my sexuality' had been previously blocked. For the next two weeks I shifted my gait to acclimate my new hip strain. My hips moved in and out of a staccato motion, but eventually I found a new fluid rhythm in my hips that I had only encountered briefly at one other time in my life.
While undergoing my 'hip transformation', I began writing new affirmations for my body. I realized further acknowledgment of the Divine Feminine was important. I started this crazy train, now I better take the reigns! I asked for it, and here she was. Was the Divine Feminine showing me her love through my hip transformation? My new affirmation became: "I now expand my vision and see more beauty in myself than ever before."I now expand my vision and embrace more femininity."
In fact, I kept writing and writing and have been using the following affirmations as a means to acclimate my mind, body, emotions and spirit into a new paradigm of trust and empowerment. I placed the affirmations into a video.You are invited into my world. Watch the following video, and if it connects with your soul, please use it often. It has helped me to create new awareness and expanded energy and grace in regards to embracing the Divine Feminine power in my life... And it can help you too!
Love
Tuesday
